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If I have
really found a method in which I don’t have to work 9 to 5 yet still be able to
earn money, is it so wrong of me to actually choose that instead??
I mean, to
quit my day job and just stay at home, do nothing and just wait for the money
to grow and collect it at the end of the month??
Yes it does
sound too good to be true and I have to admit that I am skeptical.. I still
cant believe it 100% and I am aware of the risk involved but why do I feel so
compelled to go thru with this plan tho?
Why ? why? Why?
Why am I so
lazy that I don’t want to work?
If I choose
to quit my engineer job and go thru with the risky plan that might work, and
might also make me bankrupt… is that so bad tho??
I have
heard the saying that life rewards those who are brave and I am trying to be
brave now by taking this risk but at the same time I just cant shake this
feeling that I am signing my own death warrant….
Oh my god…
I don’t want
to feel this way…
I don’t want
to be lazy.. but I just am…
I don’t want
to not live in peace.. I want tranquility.. I want peace of mind.. I want
happiness.. but what is happiness tho??
Does happiness
equate being rich and successful?
Or according
to my current state of mind, does happiness equate to not doing anything? Just lazing
around??
I used to
think that being rich and famous can give me happiness, but now I don’t think that’s
true anymore.. in fact, I am still confused with the concept of happiness…
Maybe feeling
enough with what God has given me, and I will not ask or want for anything more…
maybe that will make me happy… maybe??
How do I achieve
that tho? I don’t think its something that we can easily get just by asking
from God.. I feel like we gotta do something in order to feel enough and
adequate with what we are blessed with…
So we
should focus on the good things in life and celebrate the positives… but
syaitan is everywhere and working non stop to make us humans forget to be
grateful… to always want more..
But… why
must I think that wanting more a bad thing tho? Why must I associate wanting
more, being rich to syaitans evil doing??
Right now
my mind is a mess and I don’t know what to think, what to focus on.. I don’t know
what I want.. do I want wealth? Do I want to be rich? Or do I want to just have
the grateful feeling and not ask more than what I deserve??
Maybe I want
all of them… maybe I don’t want any of them… I don’t know…
I just want
to be happy I guess.. I want to feel excited with life again… I want to
experience all the good things that this life can offer… like having fun with
friends, going places.. eating good food, play good sports that make you sweat
like a pig..
I want to
be carefree and happy like I once was in my youth that I didn’t have any worry about
anything at all.. but I know that’s just wishful thinking and I can never get
them back…
I read on
my friends fb post about his work that requires him to learn new things, adapt
to new technologies yadayada.. and him comparing his job to others who do
routine job.. and that seem mundane and having to do the same thing over and
over and that will lead to inexplicable boredom, according to him…
But why
choose difficultines & challenges when you can have easy things?? Is it
necessary to keep changing, keep learning, keep adapting and keep up keeping up
with all the new advancement in life?? Why cant we just stay stagnant and just be
where we want to be??
I guess the
answer to that is, yes we can actually.. we can choose ease.. we can choose
stagnance.. that will depend on what we want in life…
Do we want
to move forward? Or do we want to just be the same person until the day we
die??
Maybe this
is an age old question but whatever you decide in your life, just know that its
your decision and its nobodys business to tell you otherwise..
So I come
back to my initial concern about me not wanting to continue being and engineer
but just want to laze around doing nothing at home… provided that I know how to
earn the money and necessities to survive and thrive…
If that’s what
I want now, its okay I guess…
Its okay to
take a break from this rat race and try this new way of living where I will not
be in constant competition trying to be better than others…
This life where
I can wake up at noon everyday and go to sleep at 4am everynight with nobody to
care for…
But I don’t
know if I can do that coz ive got dependents, my family… my kids.. and that
means responsibilities… I cant be doing that now, can i??
So this brings
me to the question of why do people get married tho??
I can only
answer based on my knowledge, my experience and based on my own personal reasons
why I got arried..
1. I want to be a good son. I thought(still
think) that me getting married will make my parents happy
2. I want to be a good muslim
3. Marrigage is a good thing.. good
from Islamic pov and family pov
4. I don’t think anyone wants to marry
me so when my wife agreed when I asked, I thought if I don’t get married now,
then I probably never will
5. I don’t want to grow old alone
6. I don’t want to die alone
7. I want my kids and grandkids to
still du’a for me after my death
I know I should
be grateful.. but saying that I want to be grateful and actually being grateful
are two different things…
Maybe it’s
the syaitans again, telling me to not be grateful, to have regrets etcetera…
Do I need
to pray more? Do I need to zikir more? To be protected from syaitans whispers??
Maybe I need
to rejuvenate and replenish my iman… ive heard people say that our iman does
fluctuates and it needs constant work to keep it afloat.. we need to surround
ourselves with good people to do that… go to majlis ilmu and actually do good
things… but at my current state of mind… I want none of that so how can I pull
myself out of this misery?? I don’t even want to actually…
I just want
to sleeeeeeeeeppppppp
