Kesedihan... Bertabahlah..

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Harini selasa

Aku kat kerteh.. kena station sini sampai bulan 8, maybe sampai bulan 9..

Aku sedih.. kena tinggalkan anak bini

Sekarang dalam kepala mmg asyik teringat kat anak bujang kecik aku ahnaf ukail

siang tadi masa nak keluar rumah, dan tertoleh kat bas kuning ahnaf, aku hampir2 menitiskan air mata..

Hati rasa x senang.. rasa mcm nak berhenti keje je sekarang sbb kena berjauhan dari family mcm ni..

Mcm rasa baik aku bawa grab uber je.. atleast aku boleh balik rumah setiap hari boleh jumpa anak bini..

To be honest mmg aku ada fikir mcm tu pun skrg ni..

Tapi bawak grab bukan lah jawapan nya..

Aku masih xtau apa jawapannya..

Ada masa bila aku kat luar dan melihat bagaimana hidup orang lain lagi susah dari hidup aku, aku rasa aku mmg patut bersyukur.. bersyukur sbb masih ada pekerjaan yg halal dan boleh tahan baik mcm skrg..

Aku sangat sedih skrg sbb sangat rindukan my family

Aku hanya boleh balik setiap 2 minggu dan tu pun waktu aku ada kelas..

Aku tulis kat sini sbb aku tgh cuba untuk menenangkan hati dan perasaan aku skrg..

Situasi skrg ni buat aku sgt tak happy..

Aku suka keje aku tapi aku x suka bila kena berjauhan mcm skrg ni..

Sebelum ni site dekat kat port klang, walaupun aku kena gerak awal kol 7am dan balik sampai rumah kol 9pm, aku tak kisah sebab aku masih balik rumah.. tp bila kena dok site jauh2 mcm skrg aku rasa mcm aku x boleh nak handle..

Aku mmg akan start cari keje lain.. keje yg aku x perlu pergi site..

Tapi nnt aku akan x suka pulak dgn kerja tu, mcm sebelum ni aku keje dekat IQL tu aku x perlu pergi site dan aku pun x happy bila keje mcm tu..

Aku rasa mcm berbelah bagi sangat sekarang ni..

Aku dah mmg since start keje da biasa pergi site.. kalau dulu masa bujang aku x kisah pun..

Atau pun masa da kawin tp belum ada anak, perasaan tu x seteruk mcm skrg ni..

Atau masa ada anak tp anak bini duduk jauh rasa x mcm skrg.. 

Tp bila da dok sama dgn anak bini selama 9 bulan yg lepas, dan skrg kena pergi site dan berjauhan buat aku rasa sangat tak boleh nak handle..

Ada sebahagian kecil dalam diri aku yg cakap, mungkin aku sepatutnya tak boleh terlalu attached dengan keluarga aku.. utk rasionalnya, kerana semua benda dalam dunia ni adalah sementara..

But I just cant, I cant accept this argument..

This is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life..

Seriusly skrg raa mcm nak menangis..

Bila tgk video dan dgr suara anak kecik aku yg my wife shared thru whatsapp perasaan rindu dan sedih tu jadi berkali2 ganda..

Aku tau bersedih mcm ni x kan menyelesaikan apa2..

Aku patut cari jalan penyelesaian..

What options do I have?

1.       Cari keje lain?

2.       Bawa grab?

3.       Bertabah dan jangan terlalu fikirkan?

Semua options yg ada tu aku x suka..

Kalau option1, cari keje lain, aku nak cari keje mcm mana? Aku nak jadi cikgu tp takda peluang..

Jadi cikgu mrsm pun xda peluang, jadi cikgu sekolah biasa pun xda peluang.. No opening!

Dan kalau ada pun gaji nye mesti separuh dari sekarang ni..

Untuk jadi lecere kena ada masters degree, atau PHD, hence the decision to sambung belajar..

Nak keje jadi engineer tp x nak pergi site? Nnt jadi mcm masa keje dekat IQL pulak..

Kalau ada pun nnt mungkin kerja bukan permanent, iaitu kerja kontrek.. IQL dulu pun kontrek jugak..

Dan kat sana pun sbb kondisi kerja dia sangat x best, jadi aku ambik keputusan utk berhenti dan bawa grab je.. 

Best scenario is, aku dapat keje baru dan keje baru tu ada the followings

1.       Gaji sama atau lebih dari skrg

2.       Permanent position

3.       Keje pergi site tp dalam area KL je. Kalau pergi outstation pun x lama sampai 4-5 bulan

4.       Dapat boss yg best dan boleh tolak ansur dan tolong bila kita taktau

Aku rasa tu je kriteria keje yg aku perlukan..

Tp pada zaman skrg ni mmg susah la nak dpt exactly mcm yg kita nak tu..

Tp kita kena la cari kan.. kalau x cari mana nak dapat..

So kisah nye kena la update resume dan mula mencari stat!!

Option2 which is bawa grab

Aku da cuba da bulan januari tahun ni..

Dah lah xda cuti, kalau kau cuti kau xda income.. ni yg jadi time wan aku meninggal tempoh hari..kalau keje biasa ada compassionate leave, tp sbb bawa grab, ko cuti ko yg xda duit..

Dan xda kwsp.. xda pay slip..

Keje long hours.. bawak kereta dalam jam yg sangat memenatkan..

Dan sometimes kau dapat passengers yg negro la Nepal la bangla la #racist.. and some of them stink..

Tak berbaloi jugak sbb bila kau tolak cost utk petrol n maintenance, utk waktu kerja kau yg sampai 10-12 jam sehari selama 6 hari seminggu kau hanya boleh dpt dalam 3.5k-4k saja..

And being on the road for all those hours, it’s a risk sbb ko boleh eksiden dan mati.. or worse, kau cacat xleh keje langsung..

Sbb tu la bila aku terfikir nak buat grab aku mmg akan fikir berkali2 sbb x berbaloi dgn risiko nyer..

Option 3 is bertabah dgn situasi skrg sampai dpt keje lain?

Aku rasa nak taknak aku terpaksa la pilih option 3, sbb ni yg paling baik buat masa ni..

Walaupun hati ni meruntun dgn situasi skrg, terpaksa berjauhan dgn family,

Rasa bersalah dgn wife sbb biarkan dia seorang utk jaga anak especially time dia tgh pregnant skrg..

Boleh x kalau aku bring this up to my boss, and ask to only be sent to site yg jauh2 dari KL bila my wife habis pregnant?

Aku rasa kalau aku nak bring this up to him, I should be prepared for the backfires..

kemungkinan2 yg boleh terjadi..

Mungkin dia akan suruh aku berhenti keje?

Aku ingat lagi masa interview dia ada tanya sbb masa tu dia plan nak anta aku pergi gebeng dan aku cakap ok.. aku sendiri yg agree utk terima keje ni, sbb masa tu aku dah x tahan dgn pekerjaan bawa grab..

Ntah la buat masa ni aku kena la bertabah je dulu..

Dan financially I cant afford to lose this job..

Sbb tu la aku cakap ni je pilihan terbaik yg aku ada.. walaupun sangat sedih dan meruntun jiwa..

Dgn tulis kat sini je aku dpt luahkan perasaan sedih ni..

Mungkin ada sesetengah orang yg suka bila berada dalam situasi aku, sbb seolah2 hidup bujang.. x yah susah2 jaga anak.. xda bini nak kawal pergerakan atau buat apa2.. but not me..

Aku sikit pun x rasa happy skrg..

Bila aku tulis kat sini, aku imagine maybe dalam masa 10 tahun nnt, time anak aku dah besar dan boleh faham sikit dunia dan di abaca apa yg aku tulis, apa agaknya yg dia fikir..

Will he be mad at me for leaving him and his mum for months?

Will he be able to understand that its not my desire..

Daddy buat semua ni sbb terpaksa bukan saja2..

Maybe aku patut tido je skrg ni..

Maybe benda ni hanya akan rasa sangat susah pada awal2 saja..

Maybe bila da bermingu2 nnt perasaan sedih tu akan berkurang..

Atau mungkin jugak tak?

Okla, sampai sini saja, aku pon da ngantuk esok kena bangun awal pulak..

Later~~

Life Updates aka membebel

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Because I do not have any job to do at the office, I want to post something on this blog today.

I have a few things to talk and share about. Let’s have a go at them one by one

1.       Jalilmas House

I just can’t wait for the construction of the house to be completed. I will be able to save a lot of money as I do not need to rent here in KL.

I am very excited now because my brother’s house Puchongmas had just been completed and the tenants can already collect their keys, provided there is no outstanding payment (late payment charges) pending to be cleared.

My bro said they had to pay rm1000 for the late charges. I do not know the details.

Maybe its similar to my case during cube60 back in 2015, we were charged RM3k++ but after arguments and whatnot, we only had to pay RM60+

The delay was because of CNY and issues with the notification and letters postage yadayada..

Anyhow, as soon as they got the keys to their house, I want to go visit and go swimming there.. huhu..

Eventhough that my house Jalilmas does not have any pool, I am still very excited to be living in my own home.

Yes I have a house already, but having a house in KL feels different from having a house in JB.. hehe..

My wife is excited as she wants to decorate the house with wainscoting panels and other things. I plan to go visit Ikea and draw some inspiration on house decorations when its time to do that.

For now we just gotta hold on and save money for the renovation process soon.

2.       Repair Cube60 House

Last weekend I went to our house at Pulai with my Father In Law to go fix the curtain railing which had fallen off. This was the 3^rd time it was fixed.

The first 2 times the railing fell off, maybe because there was not enough bracket holding the heavy curtain.. also because the wall plugs installed were not long/deep enough to hold the rail/curtain.

So we went to install longer wall plugs the other and hopefully this time around it will stay intact.

We also bought additional brackets to install on the railings but we had bought the wrong type, hence we were unable to install them.

At first I wanted to drill new holes and I did try but for some reasons the new holes just could not be drilled deep enough for the long wallplugs.

My father in law said its ok to use the existing holes and he put in additional screws on the side of the holes to hold the bracket from falling.

From the looks of it, it seemed okay but we can only wish for so much.. so far, no complains..

I was told by our tenant that there was a crack at the gate hinge and that will require some welding and re-painting of the gate.

My FIL also had a look and he said that he has a friend who can do the welding.. I suppose they will do the repair tomorrow. I hope that it will go smoothly.. huhu..

Last but not least, there is an issue with the switchboard, I suspect there is a short-circuit at the output of one of the breakers on Level 1. Syah (my tenant) said when the breaker is turned on, the entire switchboard of Level 1 will trip.

This suggests there is a shortcircuit but I am not sure how to confirm.

My FIL said he will bring an electrician to go check.. again, I hope it will be fine..

3.       Maxis Home Fiber

Last weekend Jup told me that the internet connection at gelang patah, the house I used to rent together with Jufri, had been suspended.

So apparently the account had an overdue payment of 4 months, hence the suspension.

I was never informed.

I just knew when Jup told me.

So I went to Maxis center danga bay to clear the payment (RM645.45), which I paid using credit card.

I wanted to terminate but being a nice person (perasan) I knew that that would bring inconvenience to Jup who is still living there w Shahrol.

If I had terminated the account, they would have to apply for re-connection and that would take 1-2 weeks time, and also would be subject to port availability.

So instead, I chose to help them and asked for the transfer of ownership of the account.

But alas, Jup needs to be present for the transfer to happen.

The next day, we went to maxis center paradigm mall and applied for the transfer of ownership.

I called Maxis just now, the transfer had already been completed. As of now, there is only 1 account of maxis home fiber under my name, for the house at Sri Damansara which I also plan to terminate.

Actually I did ask to terminate that account as well when I was at paradigm mall on the same day, but the person said I couldn’t because they were in the process of downgrading my account from 30mbs to 10mbs.

The day before I had called maxis and asked if I could terminate due to the connectivity issues at SD that is inconsistent. They said I could downgrade to 10mbs and instead of paying rm189/month for the 30mbs, the fees for 10mbs is only rm119.. and I said ok.. why did I??

That’s why the process was still on the way and I couldn’t terminate the darn account.

And for terminating the account before the contract ends, I will be penalized rm500,

but I think its probably for the best, considering that I rarely use the internet at my house.

I am already using umobile unlimited data plan, having a home fiber connection feels redundant and I get to save rm119/month and I think that’s better.

4.       My FIL loan me Rm2000

I was speechless when he suddenly gave me the money.

Earlier I said I wanted to go to post office to withdraw my asb money, which I wanted to use to pay for the maxis penalty rm500 and credit card.

Maybe he didn’t want me to have to go to aeon bukit indah (about 30 mins drive from Skudai) just to withdraw the money, he went to an ATM machine while we were on our way to paradigm mall from my house at Pulai (he was driving), withdrew the money and gave it to me.

I was terkejut beruk!!

I still haven’t paid him yet.. I have not got the chance to go to the bank to take out my asb money yet, but I will.. He also said its ok, no rushing to pay him back.. lolz.. anak menantu mengambil kesempatan..

I was surprised but I could not possibly refused him when he handed me the money.. and as I was really shocked I just accepted the money then..

bila la nak pegi bank ni huhu... maybe lunch hour esok la..

5.       I have many errands to run

I feel like I want to take a day off just to settle some issues and run some errands.

Go to the bank and deposit my coins

Go to the bank and withdraw my asb money

Go to the workshop and repair my motorbike (its been 2 months cannot start, I suspect the carburetor problem)

Go to service my car and fixed the alignment

Go wash my car

Go buy stationaries for class – Gunting, ubat pensel tekan, pemadam, correction tape

6.       I want to buy a new motorcycle

Previously the bike that I bought 2^nd hand from Azwi never gave me any headache. It was working well but since the cannot start problem had recurred 3 times, I feel so frustrated.

So right now I want to sell that bike (honda wave WQR) and buy a new bike..

Should I wait until April though?

Now I only have 1 month pay slip (Feb 2018) and I am not sure if I would be eligible to apply for loans..

But I suppose for small motorbike I can get a loan from the shop itself and not from the bank..

But before I can buy a new bike, I need to repair my bike first.. last time it cost rm30 to fix the cannot start problem.. I wonder how much it will be now..

Maybe tomorrow I will take MC leave and go fix my motorbike and settle my errands as well.

7.       Project at Port Klang

So from after CNY until last week Friday I had to report to site at Port Klang, which is 1 hour drive from my house at Sri Damansara, but could be up to 2 hours if the traffic was bad.

The project had been completed and there was no major issues.

But of course la my boss Mr Teo had a few things to comments this and that..

At first I was a bit sad and upset with him commenting and him pushing.. then I simply didn’t give a phuck..

Lantak la kau, asalkan kerja siap.. lolz..

I didn’t even pay attention to him rambling but I suppose the next time around I will do a better job and hopefully there will be less issues..

I still don’t know which site I will have to go next.. maybe to Kuantan, maybe to Terengganu.. I asked Mr Teo and he said he will advise later.. for now I will just stay at the office melagha doing nothing.. lolz.

So I guess that is all for now.. till next time.. later~~

Death thoughts

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weirdly, recently i think about death quite often.

my wife told me she had a dream that i had died from an accident. she was davastated.

we spoke not so long ago about the fear of death, i told her that i no longer have that fear.

Death is certain and its just the matter of how and when.

having said this,

doesnt mean that i wish to die soon.

if possible i wud want to see my kid(s) grow up.

i love them w everything i have.

i am just saying that i am not afraid to die.

if i am not meant to live to old age,

i accept that.

i dont have any regrets.

for all i know,

i have had a wonderful life.

i think i have been a good person for all my life.

abide by the rules.

i have been blessed w many gifts and opportunities.

i have had a fair share of fun, joy and tears and i am grateful for all of them.

i pray that on the day that i leave this world, i will go in a good proper way,

i will be able to say the syahadah,

and i will die in iman and islam.

above all, that is the most important.

Rindu anak

The below is my ranting from last year that I found in my icloud notes..
tetiba feeling rindu kat anak comel lepas baca.. huhu..

padahal jap je lagi jumpa je kat umah kan.. its just not something that can easily be explained.. huhu..
so here it goes..

"
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harini aku dok rumah jaga ukail.. kita berdua je..

this morning i made nasi goreng and ukail ate quite alot..

him eating my cooking and liking it made me feel so happy..

its the kind of happy that i never felt before..

in the afternoon i went out with ukail to the clinic where the doc examined his rashes.. the doc gave me 2 days mc to continue to take care of ukail until friday.

balik tu i bought pisang goreng n kepok leko.

ukail seemed very excited to eat the kepok leko.

and sure he did eat, but seketul dua je yg lelain dia buat memain comot2..

aku buat air milo dia pergi kacau2 sampai tumpah sikit atas karpet. terpaksa la aku sapu guna kitchen towel yg tinggal sehelai dua tu..

alamak lupa pulak nak beli kitchen towel time shopping tesco online td..

baju ukail da comot and dia yakk and i wanted to clean him..

dia rebel x nak aku bukak baju n seluar dia.

menjerit sekuat hati.

but i managed to remove his clothes and took him to shower, of during which he screamed his lungs out as if i was abusing him..

finished w the shower he continued his rebel agaisnt his daddy when i wanted to put on his diaper..

omg the struggle was real..

i smacked his buttock once and he stop moving left and right..

only then i managed to put his diaper..

he continued being angry at me.. he smacked me and scratched me..

hit me with a hanger..

did he learn that from me?

i felt very sad..

i didnt pay attention to him.. and left him in the room and went outside to watch tv..

i didnt watch tv but i did some coloring on ukails coloring book..

slowly he came back to me and kacau me.. he wud take the color pencil from my hand and conteng2 on the book..

i shifted my attention to my laptop and played asntm s3 that i have stored in my old acer laptop..

of course ukail came to me seeking attention..

i put him on my lap and he started kacau me and smacked the laptop..

i held his hands and he screamed again wanting to get down so i let him..

as soon as he was down he wanted up again.. hish budak kecik ni..

i know he wanted attention.. he was bored..

thats life my son..

it aint always beautiful..

it aint always gonna be great..

youll feel happy and youll feel sad..

i wish i could protect you from the latter but i know sadness is apart of it..

it will bring you good too..

hardships will bring you good too..

that too you will have to face..

there will be occasions where i will not be able to help you but i hope u will know that i have not and will never stop loving you..

ayat cliche kan..

but i mean it every word..

or maybe he wanted some frens.. ok aku pon nk anak lg tp things are difficult now.. sometimes i feel like i want to quit life.. if i had more kids n i quit life then kesian my wife pulak

"

I know the post seems unfinished.. whatever lah..
this post is also an unfinished one.. kinda.. lolz..

kbye..