malasnyer nak keje

 

20221223 0900

Awal2 pagi lagi dah rasa sangat x motivated to do any work… rasa macam ada je keje yang perlu disiapkan but I am just not in the mood right now…

Could it be because I didn’t sleep well last night??

For some reason I just couldn’t, despite being sleepy quite early…

So here I am, ranting and venting my feelings… its my way of decluttering my thoughts… I am honestly unsure why I feel like my mind is so jumbled up, and I don’t exactly know what thought exactly is in there… I just feel kind of claustrophobic but in my head…

So anyway, besides feeling extremely lazy and not in the mood, I also feel quite sad, I guess its due to my financial state at the moment… I feel so stupid for feeling this way… oftentimes I tell myself that being broke does not necessarily equal being sad… but right now I find it hard to agree with my own reassurance…

But I know I shouldn’t dwell in the sadness for it will not benefit me in any way… so instead lets focus on other things, shall we?

Do I want to talk about work? Not necessarily

Work is work, nothing new and nothing interesting… I am just getting by…

I did the performance review yesterday, to which I feel like I only meet the expectation, instead of exceeding them… so I think its fair…

Other than that I have also searched for training courses that I would like to join in 2023 and I have shared them with my boss.. and a discussion session is already scheduled next week with him and my other teammate… I hope it will be smooth sailing with regards to this…

Other than that, I just want to say here that I feel lonely at work… I really am on my own and friendless here… this would usually not bother me so much coz I actually like the solitude… but here, somehow I don’t like it too much… macam bodoh jugak kan… but macam tu lah manusia kan, always wanting something that we don’t have, but once we get it, then rasa menyesal dan tak best pulak…

I should really just appreciate it I think… this being alone and having no one to bother me… its actually a blessing and I should just brush this feeling aside… just remind myself that I actually enjoy it…

I don’t want people to think that I am being arrogant actually…

But u know what… pergi mampus kau lah kalau nak fikir aku sombong ke whatever… to hell with u la kan… why should I care if u want to think that?? Why should I bother make u feel a certain type of way about me… u want to think that I am a snobbish person, then by all means go ahead… I know I am not…

I just cant be bothered to care about anything or anyone right now… I should really just focus on what I want and what I need…

Oklah enough about work… next topic!!

Owh semalam I watched the movie spilt gravy on rice on Netflix… the one with Rahim razali tu… I saw harith Iskandar posted a clip of the movie on his ig last week… I actually quite enjoy the movie, its different and sangat open yer… talking about LGBT and drag queens… but mostly I think the movie just nak portray the lives of a modern malay family, who speaks English and always critical of one another…

I believe the movie was made in year 2011 but never made it to local cinema la kan, due to its nature yg depicts too many controversial and sensitive issues in Malaysia.. also on the governance, politics, religions, racial, child abuse/molestation some more…

Oklah, rasanya that’s about it, malas pulak nak cerita banyak2… as movie I give it 4 star la… walaupun ada je benda2 yg macam cringey but its fine…

 

Existential Crisis

https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-an-existential-crisis

I don’t remember how but I came across the article in the line above and I must say that it describes what I am feeling to a tee sangat… also on the ways to cope with the cirisis… its definitely looking at mental problem from a different perspective, other than being of depressive in nature… and how common the issue is nowadays…

So nothing much pun nak cerita kat sini… I hope that I will always remain grateful for the things I have and for this life la…

Ok I want to go back to the topic of financial crisis that I am currently in… I think it could be a blessing in disguise jugak actually… for when I am broke like I am at the moment, there will be no chance for me to to waste money on unnecessary things la… so I think that’s a good thing la kan…

Haiyooo stress pulak aku dengan this new EA that I purchased from shopee last week… asyik2 lost je bila open new position…

Tapi aku pun dah told myself that I don’t want to kacau the EA and I will only check on its performance by end of the year… and all I can do is to cross my fingers, semoga dapat banyak profit.. dah la EA tu mahal… I bought it at Rm177 yer… haiyoo… but I actually like its functionality yang ada SL, and that will prevent MC… tapi kalau semua position yang kau bukak asyik loss jer lama2 kau MC jugak kan jahanam… haiyooo

Stress pulak aku..

Adakah ini antara punca aku mengalami perasaan existential crisis ni??? Because this EA is not performing like how I had hoped it would… duh!!

Just let it go already la… maybe ada hikmah nyer tu…

Okla aku dah malas nak bebel, till next time…~~