reinventing myself?

salam ramadhan..

sedar tak sedar da 6 hari pon puasa untuk tahun 2011 ni.. or 1432 hijraah.. and i have not gone to teraweh yet.. i'm just plain lazy.. but so far havent missed puasa yet so alhamdulillah.. well, probably the reason that i dont go to teraweh anymore coz i dont pray anymore.. ok i have no excuse as to why i dont pray the 5 times wajib anymore.. i'm just malas.. and maybe i'm a changed man now.. not that i'm proud of the person ive become.. i just... haih ok no excuse.. i'm just lazy..

damn, it wasnt my intention to talk about how bad ive been.. but it all just came out without plan.. i actually wanted to talk about reinenting myself.. i feel theres a need for me to change how i live my life now.. i am now a lame as person whos consumed with his work.. everyday keje siang malam.. and all i could think of is work.. like all the times... things that used to matter to me.. things that play very important roles in my life previously now like dont exist anymore.. haih.. like i said.. im a changed man.. and sometimes i feel like i dont know myself anymore..

well, maybe im not supposed to know myself yet.. maybe all of these take time.. i knew that i cannot remain as izuan the new zealand student forever.. and maybe i'm still in the process of adapting.. transitioning bak kata omputeh.. for however long it takes la.. mmg macam kelakar.. ive been working for 4 months now and i still havent let go of the person i used to be.. the glamorous one.. the better looking one.. the nonchalant and carefree one.. maybe i should learn to accept the new me now.. maybe its time already.. im the lame as izuan who works 6 days a week and has no life..

hmm.. that aint entirely true.. i have a life.. and this is the life that have awaited me.. even when i was still studying.. i knew that i'd be this izuan.. and why the eff am i whining now?? haaa... maybe the real question is whether or not i'm ready to let go the old me and step to my new self.. i mean like really step into the new izuan shoes the working man..

in every change, theres good and bad.. if we only focus on the bad then we'll only see the bad la.. and if we can distinguish the good form everything else and see the whole picture.. we know that its not so bad.. not as bad as we first thought it is... i now earn my own money.. pay my own bill.. drive my own car.. and have the pride of being treated like an adult instead of a student.. ok i feel good about all of these.. like i said.. ada baik dan ada buruknyer..

so is there really a need to reinvent myself here?? i think not.. kalau kita nak bising2 komplen itu ini, mmg sampai bila2 pon takkan ubah apa.. if i really want to change, i will take the step i need.. but for now i think i shouldnt complain and just try to adapt to this new life of mine... i know i will learn to love it somehow.. and not that i'm saying i'm a psychic or whatever.. but i'm pretty sure life gets better.. my job gets better..

well, i reread what i wrote and suddenly i realized what made me feel so gloomy lately.. its because of my belly fat.. darn it i havev muffin top now.. eeewww... sangat memalukan.. ok takda sapa yg patut dipersalahkan selain diri sendiri.. ive been eating like a pig.. sumer benda aku makan.. kalau bukak posa tu mmg tak igt dunia la makanan nyer kan.. and often ramai makanan yg tak habes dan dibuang.. membazir sungguh.. ok that one, i'll try to not do anymore..

i know well why my badan continues to expand.. its because i eat a lot and dont go to gym or do any sport.. the reason i dont exercise anymore is because i aint go no time for it.. keje sampai kol  530.. bila jam tu sampai umah dalam kol 630 camtu.. then nak mandi, beli makanan and makan, then kol 730 da kuar pi mengajar budak tusyen lak.. balik da kol 1030 da.. manada masa nak bereksesais..

mula2 dulu ada la pasang niat nak amek fitness first konon2 nyer.. tapi bila pikir2 balik dgn takda masa, dan tak selalu pegi gym, akan membazer je pulak duit bayar membership fee.. kalau murah tak per la jugak.. ni 200 kot.. mahal bos.. tak mampu la aku...

okla, aku rasa cam da malas nak menulis.. maybe nnt aku akan tulis lagi...

this transitioning process is so tiring and confusing.. i hope that itll be over soon and i'll be able to view myself as the awesome izuan like i once did.. not the lame as izuan i am now... sigh..

things will get better... i pray to God not to leave me forsaken and to give me guidance when i most need it.. insyaallah..

sehingga di lain masa.. later~~~