i like to bebel

 

20221230 0900

 

So today I feel like venting, and I will use English today for the entire post, just because I feel like I need the practice. It has been quite some time for me to just dwell in my feelings and express them in English.

For some reason, I am more comfortable to vent in English… it feels more organic…

Regarding work, i have some work that I am yet to complete, but I will do that after… now, is ranting and venting time…

I was talking to Dalino yesterday and he mentioned about him losing passion in his job… basically, he got bored from doing the same thing over and over and there is no more aspiration and no motivation, maybe, to pursue something bigger.

I was shocked coz I have always thought of him as someone who is ambitious and someone who strives to become the best in whatever he does, so hearing him say that took me by surprise… well I guess, that’s just life eh…

Now let’s do the same and I will try to relate the situation to my own.

Well, I have been feeling that for ages now… I have suffered from the lack of motivation from the very beginning of my career.

Truth be told, I have never had a job that I enjoy doing thoroughly and needless to say, I have been feeling like all these while I had just been slaving myself just to earn a living… and sadly, I feel like I have never really contributed to the society in a significant manner, none at all…

I know when I put it that way, it sounds super harsh and kind of humiliating… but that’s just how it is…

Of course, I wish I could be doing something that I enjoy for money… the problem with that, I just don’t know what that something is…

One huge problem of mine is that I get bored easily. Even when I am good at something and, I will have a go at it and make some real progress, promising future, then I just get bored, and I quit.

I acknowledge that as my flaw/weakness, but I don’t know how to better it.

And at times I feel like there is no need for me to strive and struggle to change something like that. I just can’t be bothered.

Well, I guess the best way to handle the situation is to find a job that I really enjoy doing, something that I will not get tired of… and until that happens, slave away bij!

There is something that I quite like doing, but yet to reach a point of giving me ecstasy, that is trading.

For some weird reason I quite like it, not that I am good at it… but I just can’t seem to get enough of it, despite having experienced significant losses in the past, I just can’t quite, maybe I don’t know how to quite, neither do I want to…

I guess this means that I should pursue it, am I right? At least I know that I will not outgrow it, not become bored with it… fingers crossed…

and to that effect, I have registered for the webinar next week to learn about FCPO trading, which is shariah compliant… and I also noticed that the chart is available on TradingView so I can make use of the OBA indicator for the FCPO chart as well…

Let’s just be hypothetical and imagine that I will become very good at trading, thus generating significant income from doing it, what will happen then?? Will I be doing it full time and quit my day job at BV?

I can’t say for sure, but I am more inclined to say no to that… I feel like having an office, 9-5 job is something I have always known since the beginning, and from past experience I know of how important it is… so Its hard for me to simply quit, although as I said, there are days that I feel like I am slaving myself for some dollars… quitting is not the best option, in my opinion.

But to answer the hypothetical, and based on what I know and what I have experienced, I am not going to quit my job coz I feel like the trading can be done part-timely…

I believe a good trader don’t need to be glued to the monitor screen 24/7 analyzing chart and whatnot.

From what I learned, a good trader must be smart at choosing the timing to enter the market, and even more important is money management… coz losing is simply unavoidable.

Money management is important… that is to know when to cut loss and to move on, and wait for the next entry point…

Wow, I sound like a pro already…

But seriously, this is what I feel like my calling is… what I am meant to do with my life… and it’s something that I enjoy doing… so why not pursue it?? Yes I will!!! And I will get better!!! And I will become rich!!! LOLZ

And speaking of things that I like doing. I also want to to try the shopee business as well… although that seems like a lot of work… also I want to be a property agent selling condos too…

At times I feel like I often bite more than I can chew, and as a result, I need to pick and choose what to pursue and what to abandon.

Damn!!

Well, I think that is enough talk of money already…

Since its 2 days to the new year, lets just list down a few NY resolutions…. Not that I will adhere by them, but it is good to have something that I can refer to, in case if I feel lost, and numb about life…

1.       To exercise more, and to be more consistent. I know this is such a cliché NY resolution, but I cant discredit its importance… and even more important is that I really want to do it…

2.       To be more financially savvy… that means to be more responsible on how I spend my $$$. To stop doing impulsive shopping (bye bye shopee) and to start having some money saved.

3.       To explore on how to attain my P.Eng qualification.

4.       To cook more.

5.       To read a book.

I don’t want to list so much coz it will serve no purpose anyway, I will not be able to fulfill them if there are too many resolutions. So for this time around, 5 is plenty.

 until next time... daa~~

 

 

malasnyer nak keje

 

20221223 0900

Awal2 pagi lagi dah rasa sangat x motivated to do any work… rasa macam ada je keje yang perlu disiapkan but I am just not in the mood right now…

Could it be because I didn’t sleep well last night??

For some reason I just couldn’t, despite being sleepy quite early…

So here I am, ranting and venting my feelings… its my way of decluttering my thoughts… I am honestly unsure why I feel like my mind is so jumbled up, and I don’t exactly know what thought exactly is in there… I just feel kind of claustrophobic but in my head…

So anyway, besides feeling extremely lazy and not in the mood, I also feel quite sad, I guess its due to my financial state at the moment… I feel so stupid for feeling this way… oftentimes I tell myself that being broke does not necessarily equal being sad… but right now I find it hard to agree with my own reassurance…

But I know I shouldn’t dwell in the sadness for it will not benefit me in any way… so instead lets focus on other things, shall we?

Do I want to talk about work? Not necessarily

Work is work, nothing new and nothing interesting… I am just getting by…

I did the performance review yesterday, to which I feel like I only meet the expectation, instead of exceeding them… so I think its fair…

Other than that I have also searched for training courses that I would like to join in 2023 and I have shared them with my boss.. and a discussion session is already scheduled next week with him and my other teammate… I hope it will be smooth sailing with regards to this…

Other than that, I just want to say here that I feel lonely at work… I really am on my own and friendless here… this would usually not bother me so much coz I actually like the solitude… but here, somehow I don’t like it too much… macam bodoh jugak kan… but macam tu lah manusia kan, always wanting something that we don’t have, but once we get it, then rasa menyesal dan tak best pulak…

I should really just appreciate it I think… this being alone and having no one to bother me… its actually a blessing and I should just brush this feeling aside… just remind myself that I actually enjoy it…

I don’t want people to think that I am being arrogant actually…

But u know what… pergi mampus kau lah kalau nak fikir aku sombong ke whatever… to hell with u la kan… why should I care if u want to think that?? Why should I bother make u feel a certain type of way about me… u want to think that I am a snobbish person, then by all means go ahead… I know I am not…

I just cant be bothered to care about anything or anyone right now… I should really just focus on what I want and what I need…

Oklah enough about work… next topic!!

Owh semalam I watched the movie spilt gravy on rice on Netflix… the one with Rahim razali tu… I saw harith Iskandar posted a clip of the movie on his ig last week… I actually quite enjoy the movie, its different and sangat open yer… talking about LGBT and drag queens… but mostly I think the movie just nak portray the lives of a modern malay family, who speaks English and always critical of one another…

I believe the movie was made in year 2011 but never made it to local cinema la kan, due to its nature yg depicts too many controversial and sensitive issues in Malaysia.. also on the governance, politics, religions, racial, child abuse/molestation some more…

Oklah, rasanya that’s about it, malas pulak nak cerita banyak2… as movie I give it 4 star la… walaupun ada je benda2 yg macam cringey but its fine…

 

Existential Crisis

https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-an-existential-crisis

I don’t remember how but I came across the article in the line above and I must say that it describes what I am feeling to a tee sangat… also on the ways to cope with the cirisis… its definitely looking at mental problem from a different perspective, other than being of depressive in nature… and how common the issue is nowadays…

So nothing much pun nak cerita kat sini… I hope that I will always remain grateful for the things I have and for this life la…

Ok I want to go back to the topic of financial crisis that I am currently in… I think it could be a blessing in disguise jugak actually… for when I am broke like I am at the moment, there will be no chance for me to to waste money on unnecessary things la… so I think that’s a good thing la kan…

Haiyooo stress pulak aku dengan this new EA that I purchased from shopee last week… asyik2 lost je bila open new position…

Tapi aku pun dah told myself that I don’t want to kacau the EA and I will only check on its performance by end of the year… and all I can do is to cross my fingers, semoga dapat banyak profit.. dah la EA tu mahal… I bought it at Rm177 yer… haiyoo… but I actually like its functionality yang ada SL, and that will prevent MC… tapi kalau semua position yang kau bukak asyik loss jer lama2 kau MC jugak kan jahanam… haiyooo

Stress pulak aku..

Adakah ini antara punca aku mengalami perasaan existential crisis ni??? Because this EA is not performing like how I had hoped it would… duh!!

Just let it go already la… maybe ada hikmah nyer tu…

Okla aku dah malas nak bebel, till next time…~~

mari hapdet sikit

 

20221110 0905

 

Hellow gorgeous… its been a while so its befitting to rant here today…

Currently I am at office, listening to Hafiz Hamidon Zikir Terapi Diri because I feel like I need to…

Something within me that’s just feeling restless, unsettled… although I am not quite sure what it exactly is… so by listening to zikir2 and ayat2 suci Al-quran, I am hoping that it will help sooth this uneasiness that I am feeling… tying to combat mental turmoil with calming and soothing Al-quran recitation…

So at the same time, I just want to rant about things here… to vent out, in the hopes to make me feel better… so lets just go talk about it one by one…

1.       PRU15

Not sure why this topic is the first on this list… maybe because I have been seeing and listening talk about it from the people around me… me personally, I am not sure what I feel towards this incoming GE… I also don’t know who I will vote for…

From the info that I have gathered so far, I am more prone to vote for the opposition… mainly because I don’t like corruption, and I want the country economy to flourish…

I don’t feel threatened by the non malays with regards to Hak orang melayu or agama islam, coz I feel like whether or not this country is negara islam, I am always gonna be Malay, and I will always be able to practice Islam, nonetheless…

Its not like letting DAP run the country will make the malay muslims here to suffer like those in China for example… so yeah, all things considered, I think I will go with PH as of now… but we have 8 more days to the voting day so anything can happen kan…

Whatever the outcome I just want whats best for the country and that’s my wish

 

2.       Trading

After losing about USD24k last time, it ought to have taught me to not do this trading thingy again… but I don’t know how to stop… but this time around I only use the money from the public mutual account, which had experienced loss, about 10%… theres about usd500 in there…

I just think since I am not using the money anyway, and rather than let the value of the money shrink in public mutual, might as well I use it for trading…

This time I am using a different EA, that I purchased from shopee… prior to using real account I used it on demo account for a month and the performance is not bad… but I know damn well that doesn’t guarantee anything…

I just wish that I can get some extra $$$ from trading on autopiliot and that’s it… I no longer have the wish and the desires like previously, hoping that it will be safe and good always… coz I know its not…

Ok next…

 

3.       New Baby

I am in love with my new baby girl… who is nocturnal by the way…

She would sleep all day, only wake up to for breastfeeding with her ibu… then would go back to sleep during the day… only at midnight around 12am, then she would be wide awake, until around 5am, then she would go back to sleep…

Sometimes I get up to help my wife, like getting the baby to burp, change the diaper and singing lullaby to get the baby to sleep so the ibu can sleep too… but to no avail… aiyooo daddy give up la…

But its okay, I get the spend time with my cute baby, and as a result daddy would be a zombie at office during the day…

Owh my baby's name is Aishah Sofea, born on 20 October 2022… when she was delivered, I saw everything… and I was scared coz she came out being unalive, no crying, no screaming and she was grey in colour… me and my wife didn’t say anything coz we were scared of the worst…

Then the nurse massaged her body and after about a minute the colour turned pink and I heard her voice for the first time…

She was born at 8:35 pm, I guess it was he sleeping time, and it still is…

What do I do to change her nocturnalness??? Maybe I will go on google and read on it later…

 

4.       Gerhana Bulan and doa/wishes

2 days ago, there was a moon eclipse… its not about the phenomenon that I want to talk about… its about what I wished and prayed for when I did the solat sunat Gerhana…

1^st thing is I wish my daughter Adawiyah to be a good and obedient little girl, to listen to her parents and to grow up being anak solehah…

2^nd thing is I prayed for continuous and berkat rezeki from Allah for my family… also for Allah to always bless us with feelings of having enough and not greedy…

3^rd thing I prayed for work stability, for I get to be confirmed with my current employment… for me to enjoy and able to deliver the work smoothly, basically to have no problem related to work la…

4^th think I prayed that my family will be safe with islam and iman until the hereafter… I think this wish is important coz we don’t know what will happen in the future kan… sesungguhnya pengakhiran seseorang itu yg lagi penting...

5th and its also very important, to always pray for Allah's mercy... i am reminded of this video i saw on tiktok, it talks about love and mercy... muslims enter jannah not because of of their good deeds, but because of Allah's mercy... but of coz la to gain Allah's mercy we need to do good deeds la... we just to always remember to always ask for Allah's mercy.... and not to feel entitled just because we have been a practicing muslim... bukan berat pahala yang masukkan kita dalam syurga tapi belas ihsan Allah... 

Owh just to say here, its not about praying to the moon eclipse, but to ask from God… the moon eclipse is just a symbol of God’s power… to remind ourselves that He is the almighty to allow for such an occurrence for us to observe and therefore be reminded of His power… so tak salah pun kalau kita nak berdoa during the moon eclipse or any other phenomenon yang mengingatkan kita akan kekuasaan Allah…

 

5.       Kurzgesagt and infographic channel on youtube

Actually dah lama jugak aku came across the channel Kurzgesagt ni… and I still don’t know how to spell it without checking it first…

Its very informative and the videos make us think about science and the world in general… and I just love it…

Another channel that I like is the infographic channel… where they talk about world events, like the possibility of WWW3 and nuclear war… they also have stories about serial killers like Jeffrey dhamer, ted bundy and others… I first stumbled with the channel when I was reading about Jeffrey dhamer, and its because of the series on Netflix jugak… but now I enjoy the videos about world war more la… and its scary weh… tapi suka tengok… pelik jugak aku ni kan…

 

 

6.       Success and envy

I don’t consider myself successful pun… I think I just have enough and I am happy, that’s my win… lagipun it doesn’t matter what other people think, as long as we are happy with what we have kan…

Actually I just saw on FB, my schoolmate was just promoted to become the operating director in the company hes working with… theres a small part of me that feels envious of him… I think its pretty normal… I suppose other people will feel it too… but its important to not dwell in it… that’s his life story, so dia la main character so let him be la…

We are the main character in our own story kan… so we should focus on ourselves je lah, and stop comparing ourselves to other people… I think that’s the key ingredient to becoming happy and contented with the life that we have…

And to always count your blessings and be grateful… sesungguhnya, setiap hari we have so many things to be grateful for… at the very least, we are still alive today and we have all the time we need to work on what makes us happy…

Cewah ayat2 penceramah motivasi sangat…

I say this, mostly as a reminder to myself first and foremost… coz like I said, we should always focus dengan diri sendiri dulu yer…

 

7.       Work

Truthfully macam xda apa2 pun nak update pasal work…

Ada this report that I need to complete and hopefully by today can finalize coz need to submit tomorrow…

There are new projects coming in and I have not started on them yet… kejap lagi nak tengok la… and to plan when to complete…

Other than that, nothing else I think…

 

So until next time, I better should start doing some work now… dah sejam jugak aku bebel2 kat sini…

Later~~

20220919 0850 updates

 20220919 0850

Not sure but I feel like I want and need to vent today, this Monday morning

Maybe because its Monday and I have the worst Monday blues.. last Friday was a public holiday, the 16th of September.. meaning I have been off work for 3 days.. and that would entail the next working day, which is today.. my mood for work would be non existent.

Hence, this strong need to just write things out.. although I am not exactly sure what topic I want to bebel today.. maybe just some random things.. so whatever comes to mind la eh.

GV

So last night being a Sunday night, the first concert for GV9 took place

Okay2 je la.. takda la gempak sangat.. I watched the whole show and I am quite entertained ler.. biasa2 jer.. as expected jaclin victor got 1st place for the 1st show ni.. but I think her performance biasa2 saja.

Other than Jaclyn, I am also rooting for bob mesra.. and I agree with what shafinaz said about bobs talent being underappreciated.

That’s just how the world is kan.. anyhow, I hope bob will do better and place better in following weeks.

Mcm xda apa yang menarik sangat pun pasal GV, but it’s the 1st thing on my mind so here it is.

RPDR Down Und

So the 2nd season of Down Under RPDR just concluded last Saturday and I am content with the winner.. I have even posted an IG story about it.. spankie Jackson was not my 1st pick.. if anyone, it was probably kween kong.. but over the course of the season, seeing how it unfolded, there is no denying that spankie deserves the win

I also like the storyline she carried with her.. about moving back to Palmerton north from 12 years in Melbourne just so she could take care of her dad.. about her working with children.. I feel like that’s a plus point.. and how she sees herself after coming back to palmy, where the drag scene is probably none, compared to Melbourne.

But above all, I am happy because again, it’s a winner from NZ.. although Aus is known to have major drag scene, much bigger than NZ I guess.. when kita mean won the 1st season, I thought this is odd, and probably may never happen again.. now with 2 winners from NZ, surely they will boast about it comes the 3rd season.. and I am sure Aus will win the next season.

Even kween kong is from south Auckland nz.. although originally shes from samoa/tonga.. but she said shes worked in south Auckland before..or lived there.

Okla enough about that.. next!

The below section is written on 20 sept 2022.. I stopped halfway yesterday coz I had some work to do.. so I am resuming it today coz ive got some other things to talk about

Living as a single pare

I feel like I shouldn’t even write about this.. but since its been on my mind quite often these days so I just write je lah.. lagipun, I don’t see the harm in it.. its not that I wish for it.. its something on my mind, and I just want to get it out jer..

Coz right now my wife is pregnant with out 3rd child and I cant help to shake this thought what if the undesirable happen and I am left to raise our 3 children on my own.

Omg to be honest I am scared.. and worried.. that’s a HUGE responsibility.. I don’t even want to think about it.. but being a reasonable and practical person, I feel like I should give it a thought.

How would my life be if that was to happen kan.. lagipun, death is a confirmed thing, Cuma lambat atau cepat je.. so we shouldn’t really fear death, hence having this thought is probably a good thing.. atleast I have this little preparation.

Will I still be working or will I be a stay at home dad? I think I will still go to work as usual.. life has got to go on la kan.. no matter how hard and challenging... but I think I will probably take a month leave kot... I dunno

What breaks me the most is when I think about my daughter who is so manja with her ibu and that will be devastating, when she misses her mother and asks where her mother is.. I will surely menangis meraung2 nanti.. but I have to be strong for them.. and teach them about takdir and qada and qadar.. verily, everything that happens is Gods will and we have to have faith that it’s the best for us.

And I will teach my children and tell them to always send prayers to their mom, each time solat.. insyallah doa anak2 beriman akan sampai ke ibu bapa mereka.

Another question that’s on my mind.. will I remarry?

For now I don’t think I will.. but at the same time I am not one to oppose takdir and jodoh.. if I am destined to remarry, and theres someone who can accept me flaws and all, then I will.. but I wont be looking for it la.. if it happens, it happens.. mcm tu je.

Where will I be staying?

I am not sure, I think I will just stay at jalilmas.. maybe I will ask my parents to stay with me.. or maybe I will move back to wangsa maju.. well it depends, most probably will move to wangsa maju and see how things are.. I think it will be to hard for me to live in RJ coz theres too much memories… so better move to wangsa maju.. if not comfortable then I will move back to jalilmas.. lagipun I feel bad coz if I moved to wangsa maju, it will be burdening my mak to take care of my children pulak.. but at the same time, I will be with my parents to look after them.. anak2 I will send them to school la.. xda la dok umah jer.. so this one is quite hard.. but like I said.. if we come to that bridge, then only we will cross it.. for now I guess, I will probably move to wangsa maju with anak2.

What will I do with my wifes belonging?

I guess I will donate the good ones to charity.. like her clothes, shoes, bags etcetra.. or if my parents in law or her sisters want them, I will just give to them la kot.. kereta arus tu I will continue using la kot.. takda la nak jual ke.. pakai je lah… kereta putih tu maybe aku akan jual.. walaupun sayang, tapi nak buat apa pulak ada byk2 kereta kan

Owh lupa pulak… what about the money from the takaful and insurance?

I think I will just dump them in ASB je la kot and let it grow… kalau ada lebih I will buy another property with cash money and just rent it out… atleast ada la continued income.. itu je la kot

Okla cukup2 la tu fikir pasal bende ni.. lets move to another topic pul

Living overse

Ni pun da banyak kali terlintas kat kepala.. I think me and my wife pernah je have conversations about it.. and we both want to, cuma maybe not now.. coz our parents are still living, and I think seelok2 nya we should spend as much time as possible with them.. maybe in the future when they are no longer with us, masa tu kita dah stable, atau lebih stable.. duit savings pun da banyak, then we can really plan to live overseas

My country of choice right now is Canada.. i like the country coz its similar to NZ in many ways, and the country is known to be very welcoming to immigrants.. and its cold there.. like really cold.. I don’t know if I will like the cold when I get there.. but for now, I will choose cold over hot anytime

Another country that I kinda want to move to is probably Scotland.. yes its apart of the UK, but from what I gathered, the lifestyle in Scotland is very different compared to London.. and I prefer a non busy place for living.. but Canada is still no 1.. haha.

Talking about living overseas kan… coz at the moment both my wife and I work for MNCs

Shes with Axens and I am with Bureau Veritas,  I think it will be an advantage and a plus point la should we want to seek work opportunities overseas in the future… insyallah kalau ada rezeki and opportunity, it will happen… tapi kena la kumpul experience dulu… atleast more than 5 years.. insyallah boleh

Medical Check

This talk about living overseas has made me think about the last medical checkup I had at KKKL.. I think everything is okay, except for my high cholesterol and the high level of creatine(kidney function) in my blood

The cholesterol thingy I think I know why… its because I have been eating fast food like McDonalds so often lately and very seldom workout at the gym.. so I guess I know what I have to do to bring the cholesterol level down la.. insyallah I will restrain myself from eating McDonalds for now until my cholesterol level is back to normal.. and I will do cardio every time I hit the gym.. and hopefully that will be a daily thing... one can only hope.

Another thing is the creatine level.. I think it was really high during the checkup coz I was taking this supplement creatine, which I thought would help me with my workout.. coz I read about its uses and its suppose to help with increasing strength and therefore will improve my workout sessions.

I guess, I should really change the way I see workout, previously I thought having more strength, thus lifting heavier weights is important.. I guess I was wrong.. more importantly is to do it consistently, with lighter weight... the strength will develop over time.. so okay lah.. lepas ni kita angkat ringan2 jer.. tapi takda la ringan sangat.. sesedap rasa je la.. maybe I should focus on endurance more, hence do more cardio… aku bukan nak sangat badan sado.. aku nak kurus je buat masa ni.. I really want to get rid of my belly fat.. huhu

And yes, I should have calorie deficit everyday… and that means to control what I eat… haha easier said than done, I know… but I have to try… eat more vegies and fruits.. lets go!

Owh just to share here… after the checkup, then after 2 weeks I went to see the doctor to discuss about the results… and coincidently, my dad had to do x ray at the same KKKL so I took him with me on the same day… he was done with the x-ray much earlier so I asked him and my mum to go home first, while I wait for my turn to see the doctor for my checkup

And this has caused my mum to get worried… obviously, I have never told them about my condition and me having to do this medical checkup got them really concerned, especially my mum…

I just told them about the high cholesterol and the creatine situation je lah.. and technically its not lying kan... huhu… I love my parents so much

So the next check up will be somewhere in November or December… and fingers crossed, hopefully itll be all okay by then

I guess that’s it for now… so until next time… toodles

~~…… …!…....up…….…..asak…?…?.?.?..…... nt..!.....er......9....

I guess that’s it for now… so until next time… toodles~~

Sedikit coretan dan bebelan...

 

20220607 0820

 

Its been quite a while since my last post.. ada la beberapa perkara yg berlaku tapi aku mcm malas dan takda masa nak update.. juo aku rasa mcm xda motivasi nak update.. but today is different.. when I woke up I had this feeling mcm nak meluahkan something.. nak bercerita.. and if I’m being honest, theres no other person or means that I think is better than my old blog for me to vent and talk about all the randomest things in my life.. so without further ado, here they go..

 

1.       Contract Ending but still no offer

 

It’s something that’s troubling me of course and I have mixed feelings about this..

On one side I feel like it will do me some good to take some time out and just unwind.. but unfortunately since money is tight, I just cant afford to.. so not having another offer is definitely worrying.. but I know I shouldn’t dwell in the worry but to keep applying and checking jobsites for new openings..

Nothing much that I can say about it, I just worry and I pray that I will not give up and a new offer will surface soon.. insyallah

 

2.       Apply keje semula dekat powerware

 

2 weeks ago I submitted an application to rejoin PWS, and the new HR called me for a phone interview and I felt like it went well.. then she sent an email for me to rank my ability on technical matters.. some I knew and some I didn’t.. I just answered them all honestly…

Last week Friday I sent an email to follow, to which she replied that she will check with the hiring manager..

 The idea of rejoining PWS is not my first choice TBH but I know I can do the job..

The reason that I am reluctant to join is because I’ve done it before and I am worried that I might get bored easily.. but beggars cant be choosers kan.. so just suck it up la and just do the damn thing…

 

I don’t know why but I just have this feeling that they don’t want me back pun.. the reason that the HR called me was because she doesn’t know me.. but all the senior people there know me and I feel like I am not wanted there.. so that’s that.. but whatever it is, I will just accept.. and as per what I said before.. to never give up…

 

3.       Interview with AEG Singapore and the idea of PJJ

Also happened last week, I had a teams call interview with AEG, the 1^st one with the global recruiter but I am not sure where he’s from, probably Germany because of his accent..

Then the 2^nd interview with the team from SG..

Just now I checked my email and saw an update for this application, an auto reply from linkedin..

“Unfortunately we will not proceed yadayada…”

Honestly I feel disappointed but I just have to keep going la kan..

Maybe its for the best.. if I got offered the position, there are still so many uncertainties..

1^st being the technical aspect of the job, having to learn about UPS systems and I feel like I am just too old to learn new things.. I am not opposed to learning them though, I just know that it’s going to be challenging..

2^nd being that the position is in SG and I would have to be away from my family, its definitely something that I don’t look forward to… but like I said before, beggars can be choosers kan… if I got the job and had to do PJJ with my family I guess I will just have to do it la.. but now I know its not happening, so its fine.. why bother pun kan..

3^rd being the condition that I am now, I just know that its quite impossible for me to work there.. I don’t want to elaborate further because, what’s the point pun kan…

But just to share la, I had thought about how my life was going to be, doing PJJ, having to travel often and only go back home once every 2 3 months, being single away.. far from my wife and kids.. I guess its for the best kan.. the idea of being away for long period of time from my family is not what I want pun…

4.       Nak jadi artis boleh x??

Kalau dah susah2 sangat takda keje boleh x nak jadi artis je.. jadi pelakon ke.. walaupun aku tahu aku ni hauk.. but 10-15 years ago, I had the confidence that I could become an actor.. but now not anymore.. and being a 35 yo male I know that I shouldn’t underestimate the challenges and the difficulties of becoming an actor… I don’t know why I even talk about it here.. maybe just to share something on my mind jer..

But…

If the opportunity comes, I will give it a try… at this point, why decline?? Why say that I wont be able to do it before even trying it.. I aint got nothing to lose pun kan… definitely, if an opportunity comes, I will try.. huhu berangan much…

Sama la macam apply2 keje engineering ni jugak… banyak je positions yg aku dah apply and I am not confident if I will be able to perform… but then I realize, kenapa aku mesti discount my own ability?? Kenapa aku sendiri yg tidak percaya dengan kebolehan diri aku dan nak be negative.. without even trying…

So sedari itu aku akan apply ajer mana2 positions yg aku rasa mcm ada seakan2 dekat dengan field aku walaupun ada je benda2 yg aku tak tau dan tak pernah dengar sebelum ni… huhu…

So moral of the story is… jangan sabotage diri sendiri!!!

5.       XAUUSD still floating

Sebelum ni when it was going good I had always this thought of quitting my job and just rely on the money I can get from this auto-trading thingy.. now that its not going so good I feel so shitty.. and about the same time la jugak that I found out that my contract won’t be extended.. memang menguji kan..

I don’t know what else I can say about this thing pun..

But I think one good thing that happened during this floating thingy was last month when it the chart came crashing.. I had made an estimation that my capital was able to withstand the drop of gold until 1835.. imagine how scary it was when it actually dropped beyond that.. until 1790++ ok dia turun…

One thing that I learn is that in order for me to stay being alive and not MC was to open a sell position that’s the same amount with the total amount of all the buy positions.. so regardless of how low the position gets, the amount floating will remain.. that had saved my capital.. but now the chart had gone up, the floating amount remains at negative… huhu.. I should’ve closed the Sell position when it went up but I didn’t know if it was gonna continue going up or revert down.. kalau salah Langkah je habis la MC nnt.. huhu… nangis jap…

6.       Ujian dan tenang. Terima seadanya

 

Kalau nak diikutkan sekarang ni memang mcm banyak sangat ujian dating menimpa aku… lepas satu satu kan ujian… tapi aku berpegang pada satu nasihat dan ajaran dari ustaz hannan ataki dari Indonesia ni…

Dek kerana ujian2 ni la kita akan mendekatkan diri dengan Allah.. akan selalu berdoa untuk diberi kekuatan, dipermudah urusan.. and aku bersyukur sebab aku diberi kesedaran ini.. kesedaran yg mana kesusahan dan cabaran hidup yg aku lalui sekarang ni sebenarnya adalah baik untuk aku.. mungkin adalah yg terbaik bagi aku buat masa ni, supaya aku tak lekang untuk berdoa dan meminta dari Allah.. dan supaya aku dapat jauhkan diri dari perbuatan2 jahat dan berdosa.. sebab aku ni sejenis yg kalau aku buat dosa aku akan rasa mcm x layak nak berdoa dan minta dari Allah…

Aku tahu tidak baik begitu.. walaupun kita berbuat dosa, kita harus terus berdoa dan meminta dari Allah.. tapi mmg ada orang yg mcm tu jenis nya.. termasukla diri aku..

Walaupun kadang2 aku rasa mcm agak give up jugak sbb da lama kan berdoa tapi masih belum dpt apa yang aku hajatkan tu.. tapi aku kena terus kuat.. dan aku doa jugak supaya tidak give up… sesungguhnya, bisikan syaitan jer tu nak aku give up kan…

Semoga aku dikurnia kekuatan untuk terus have faith and to never give up.. insyallah…

 

7.       Last resort

 

I am not quite sure what my last resort is if by July I still have no job.. yes I have some savings la kan that will last me for a few months…

In terms of keje, maybe I will bawak grab la kot… or I can focus on the manual trading thingy… kena follow signal dekat telegram & tiktok dengan religiously la kot..

I don’t want to worry too much about it but if I have to cross that bridge, I will do just that…

Hopefully I wont have to.. huhu…

 

8.       Whats my thought of being single??

The reason that I am even thinking about this is because my brother in law is currently staying at my house.. he’s in his 40s already and he’s never married.. belum bertemu jodoh barangkali..

Aku taktau la apa perasaan dia kan tapi nampak mcm happy je single…

Member2 aku yg single pun nampak mcm happy jer… tapi dalam hati cuma dia je la yg tahu…

Member aku si Raul tu dah sekian kali nyer bagitau dia lonely sbb single… nak kawen tapi takda calon katanya… tapi dia yg banyak sangat cekadak nyer terlalu memilih… biarlah dia… itu pilihan dia… mungkin dia dah sangat selesa membujang…

Same with Azhan jugak… dia dah sangat selesa membujang la kot tu…

I am not gonna judge coz it’s not position to do so..  doa yg baik2 saja la kan…

9.       Should my trading recover, whats the first things that I will do??

 

I believe in the law of attraction… dalam islam we have a different term for this law… tapi aku tak ingat what’s the term in Islam..

Basically if we have faith and keep believing something will happen, it will eventually happen… Cuma cepat atau lambat aje la…

So here’s hoping..

Speaking of the recovery of my capital from the current position it is in, the first thing I will do is…

1.       To set aside half of the capital for the loan repayment

2.       To belanja some of the money that I have from the profit to pay for my wants… seperti nak beli barang2 rumah baru, nak bayar macam2 kan bila masuk rumah baru ni…

3.       Nak pergi travel la.. nak pergi kundasang sajor dulu… bawak family…

4.       A new baby is coming.. mcm banyak je barang nak kena beli tu nnt.. so kena la bersiap awal2…

Oh My God, I pray that it will recover soon, before semua benda2 penting yg berlaku ni.. huhu…

 

10.   Nak belajar makeup la..

This is so random kan.. but lately I have been seeing many videos on youtube and tiktok pasal male grooming and make up and I must say that I am intrigued and there’s nothing wrong with that.. we should totally normalize male makeup kan.. its not a bad thing pun.. if it makes you happy why oppose it??

It doesn’t bring any harm pun, and taking care of one’s self is important kan.. including his exterior/image… but of course la dalaman pun kena elok juo.. dalaman tu I am referring to health yer… maksud nye kena eksesais la.. pergi gym bagai… bukan dalaman as in keperibadian atau perangai… owh yer itu pun kena hellok juo…

Why do I even bother explaining pun kan?? Huhu

11.   Chatting dengan Chan Wai Kit

Mamat Cina ni member aku masa sekolah rendah.. sbb dia sekolah kebangsaan dia nyer BM mmg mcm orang melayu KL la.. so bila aku borak ngn dia kat wasep atau fb messenger tu memang mcm cakap melayu je la…

 Da lama da aku x jumpa dia… last I saw him masa form 4 la before aku pergi Jasin..

Tak selalu pun chat dengan dia.. haritu ada la citer2 sikit.. dia citer da jarang balik Malaya sbb parents dia da meninggal… dia dok UK btw, dah keje jadi researcher kat sana katanya… under grant apa tah aku lupa…

Bagus la dia dah berjaya kat sana.. ni dia balik Malaya kejap sbb aku nampak kat fb story dia, aku pun komen la.. panas lettew sbb dia letak caption 27 degC… eh mengada la la pulak konon panas.. dulu masa kecik2 relax je beratur tengah2 panas masa assembly…

Kalau ada rezeki nak la jugak jumpa dia.. tapi dia nak ke jumpa aku?? Lolz.. huhu…

Eh random nyer citer pasal si wai kit ni…

 

So that’s all la for now… aku da penat nak menaip… atleast ada la sikit output aku kat office harini walaupun bukan buat kerja, tapi atleast dapat la membebel sikit2 dan dapat vent out perasaan dan release some stress..

Actually takda stress pun, cuma banyak risau jer.. dan sedih sbb tak dapat keje Singapore.. lolz.. pastu cakap la its for the best sebab nak sedapkan hati sendiri kan.. padahal sedih.. sobs sobs…

20220427 0838

 

20220427 0838

This morning rasa mcm banyak je benda nak citer… takpe kita go satu satu..

1.       Pergi offshore

 

From 14/4/22 – 21-4/21 aku pergi offshore… naik boat jer.. ada survey utk whcp & scada utk CHOC.. keje nye senang je kot.. aku da siap report aku... tunggu report part vendor katanya akan submit 29/4/22.. client da kecoh suruh submit.. tp lantak la.. malas aku layan..

 

5 tahun aku da x naik offshore.. sebelum naik tu ada la rasa excited.. sbb da lama x merasa dok laut kan.. tapi 2 hari kat sana aku dah ingat semula kenapa dulu aku selalu meroyan bilamana aku kena pergi offshore.. I remember I once said that I have had enough of offshore in my life.. so this time around I was reminded of this feeling and I think I will be okay if I never have to go offshore again..

 

2.       Balik offshore diberitahu contract tak sambung

 

While I was on my way back to KL from KB my PM txted me, ada x HR email bgtau pasal contract.. I replied.. I haven’t had the chance to check my email yet..

So sesampai nyer di rumah, there it was.. the email from my PM, cc-ed to HR.. he attached my performance evaluation form and another form, basically these forms say that my contract will not be extended..

I kinda expected it to be honest.. I had mixed feelings.. mostly sad I guess..

I replied to that email saying that I want to request for an early release, that I want my last day of service to be on 30/4/22.. the email was on 21/4/22.. so its been 6 days but still no reply from my PM nor HR.. as expected.. it’s a bad and unprofessional thing to do not to respond to staff’s request, but I knew this is the kind of company this is so no shock there.. just annoyance.. so unprofessional..

So basically since they had not responded, I guess I will just serve until my last day as per the employment contact which is until 31/6/22.. malas la aku nak trigger diorang lagi..

The next day on 22/4/22, my colleague asked me to join the breaking fast session with out subcon, and I met with my PM there, and asked about my request.. he said hes agreed for the early release, just wait from HR to advise.. but it was just a verbal assurance, nothing written so I guess it doesn’t count..

 

3.       Iphone jatuh jalan

 

Speaking of the berbuka puasa on 22/4/22, while on the way back home from the restaurant somewhere in ampang, I wanted to use waze so I put my iphone on the phone holder attached to my bike handle.. I checked it was firm and secured properly so I was convinced that it was safe, that the phone wasn’t gonna fall..

Riding along mrr2, I should’ve taken the phone down and kept it in my bag coz I already know the way and not using waze but since I already checked the sturdiness of the phone holder, I didn’t take my phone away..

As mrr2 is not without bumps, it wasn’t a smooth ride, at one particular bump, the phone holder shook so much that the iphone fell to the ground.. lucky I realized the phone had fell, so I stopped the bike to rescue the phone..

Alas, since the road was busy I didn’t make it in time.. I could clearly see my iphone being run over by 1 motorcycle and 2 cars.. my heart sank.. after I picked it up, being careful so that I wont be hit by moving vehicles on the expressway, I didn’t want to check but I saw the light was still on..

I only check my phone once I reached home..

It is a stong phone.. the screens shattered of course, the front and the back, but the function survived..

I knew the cost of repair is gonna be around 1k+.. but what choice do I have kan.. xkan nak beli phone baru.. its not even 1 month old yet.. but I is redha, this is ujian... orang lain punya ujian lagi dahsyat… ebby yus punya rumah masuk dalam lumpur masa banjir haritu.. ni iphone aku jer.. luckily its still reparable..

So the next day I sent it for repair and I was right.. the cost was rm1.2k.. I said ok..

Yesterday I went to collect the repaired phone and the ahbeng showed me theres one black dot and 1 line on the phone, which cant be repaired, since the damage was on the inner screen side..

I am sad.. I am trying to keep positive now.. atleast the phone can still function.. plus the dot & line annoyance.. I is redha..

 

4.       Offer baru terawang2

 

While I was in quarantine station before going offshore (10/4-14/4/22), I got an offer from a new company as a PE.. I guess they were in a hurry as they wanted me to join on 25/4/22 which is before raya, they are willing to pay the buyout... I said I will not be able to.. I don’t want to just leave & abandon my current company Tanjung like that.. and I was about to go offshore.. it felt somehow wrong to accept the offer without properly giving notice to Tanjung.. I guess I did the right thing, but it was unfortunate that on the day I came back from offshore, I got the news that my contract will not be renewed.. well, that’s life.. and it aint always fair..

 

So after I knew that I will not continue with tanjung, I contacted the new company(lets call them company A), and the HR said they already hired another candidate since I declined when they offered previously.. technically I never declined.. I just said that I couldn’t start on the date that they wanted me to join..

However, the HR said all hope is not lost.. she said the project team is looking for another PE but only after raya.. so right now I am praying to God that I got the offer...

Raya will be on 3/5/22 btw…

The issue right now is that I am not sure when they want me to join, and since Tanjung HR is basically useless, I am not sure if they will agree to release me earlier if company A wants me to start early..

Whatever it is, I will just pray to God and hope the best… trust that everything that happens is in Gods willing and it’s the best for me and my family, insyallah…

So itu lah kisah offer terawang2 lagi ni… no letter offer yet…

Draft letter offer yg lama tu ada la.. yg nak masuk 25/4 tu… huhu…

 

5.       Floating xauusd

 

So this is another major thing la yg membuatkan aku risau jer ni.. its been floating since 2 days ago.. quite a lot jugak la floating nyer..

Nothing much that I can say but I pray that it will revert… gila la dia drop dari 1975… semalam it went to as low as 1891… berapa ribu pip dah tu…

This morning I checked it was at 1903…

I need it to go up to 1926 to close the current open positions.. insyallah it will… saya berdoa kepada Allah.. huhu…

Ada sedikit rasa bersalah la jugak sbb mcm nak berdoa dengan Allah bila dalam saat memerlukan jer.. but its not true jugak… aku selalu jer berdoa.. dalam ceramah ustaz hannan anaki tu, dia remind kita yg Allah mmg suka bila kita meminta2 dari-Nya… so I will do just that… and to always remember that He is the almighty and kun faya kun… Dia pemberi rezeki dan kita mintak je lah dari Dia.. insyaallah it will be alright.. aku kena sabar byk la ni…

 

6.       Ukail accident

 

Ni pun antara perkara yg buat aku rasa sangat serabut… so meh kita story sikit..

Last Sunday 24/4/22 masa aku balik w maju utk hantar iphone repair tu.. aku nak belanja my parents and my sisters family utk berbuka puasa makan arab..

Mula2 ingat nk makan kat Hadramawt dekat wangsa 118 tu… bila pergi sana nak tanya menu, dia cakap situ ada buffet je… RM62++ per pax…

Terus rasa mcm kejang… kemain mahal.. so an alternative, aku pergi la kedai arab dekat area maybank wangsa delima tu, situ boleh order ala carte jer…

Masa dekat rumah mak, ail main playdough dengan cousins dia.. banyak kali aku & ibu nyer suruh kemas balik tapi dia x kemas pun.. last2 aku amek jer, gumpal2kan dan pass ke ibu dia..

I was upset coz he didn’t clear the mess when I had told him many times..

Masa nak gerak pergi berbuka tu, I told him to ride with his mamayong.. partly because I was still upset with him, another part, I thought kalau naik dgn mamayong, dia boleh main2 dgn cousins dia dalam kereta… socialize la sikit.. nnt da nak balik..

Da sampai kedai arab nak gi makan tu… he knew I was upset with him.. dia keluar kereta mamayong lepas tu nak cross the road to my car on the opposite side, katanya nak pujuk dedi..

Masa tu la ada satu kereta persona yg laju namati… aku x Nampak apay g berlaku, aku dgn bunyi tayar kereta dan satu dentuman yg kuat jer.. and I saw my boy ukail atas jalan dgn kaki berdarah…

Aku punyalah takut…. Sedih dan bersalah… orang ramai dating, bising2 kat cina persona tu cakap kenapa bawak laju itu ini… but all I could think of masa tu is that my boy is in pain…

Dia tak nangis tapi dia mcm menggigil menahan sakit kat kaki dia… aduyai meruntun jiwa dedi tau…

Then  kita bawak dia ke klinik.. doctor cuci luka.. pastu bagi referral letter suruh bawak ke hospital utk x ray..

Lepas makan berbuka, terus bawak ke Pantai Hospital KL (PHKL) emergency..

Doctor check x ray dia kata mcm okay, pakaikan splint dekat kaki dia…

Tapi dia kata mintak specialist check tulang dia…

Esok nya 25/4/22 1.30pm pergi jumpa specialist dia kata tulang dia fracture.. pakar tu nak buat procedure utk clean the wound, remove dead cells to avoid infection.. so terus book OR pukol 8pm tu… so ail dengan ibu nyer kena la stay hospital.. nasib baik la ada insurance.. so procedure tu sumer covered under insurance la..

Just now my wife updated me that abg ail can discharge today.. yeay alhamdulillah…

 

7.       Jaga adawiyah

 

Since ibu nyer kena jaga ukail dekat hospital, jadi tugas dedi la menjaga adawiyah… amagad its very challenging yer… penat dedi… tp bukan anak orang lain kan.. so kita xnak la merungut.. just enjoy the moment…

Semalam lepas balik dari PHKL gi visit abg ail & ibu, awiyah nangis non stop dari tempat parking sampai rumah… puas la dedi mujuk nyer kata nak beli mainan la beli candy la..

Kat umah terus video call dgn ibu… mintak ibu pujuk nak dia mandi before nak tido… nasib baik lama2 dia berjaya dipujuk… lepas mandi nak pakai baju ibu.. tido pelok dedi xnak bantal pelok..

Pagi tadi before nak gi school dia start buat perangai lagi xnak mandi… dedi cakap kalau xnak mandi nnt xyah ikut dedi gi jumpa ibu… baru la dia nak ikut pergi mandi siap2 gi school… alahai anak dara kecik ni… sangat strong-willed… orang kata 2^nd born mmg gini perangai nyer.. nasib baik la ibu nye kata harini ukail da boleh discharge… dedi penat~~

 

8.       Hamper office

So semalam aku masuk office la.. the day before isnin tu aku ambik MC sbb nak anto ukail jumpa pakar tu..

Budak2 ni kata pergi la ambik hamper kat tingkat 16.. utk muslim sempena raya.. so aku pun pergi la.. ambik la hamper tu dari kak Rima admin level 16 tu..

Pastu masa nak turun ke level 12, receptionist tu kata I cannot take because I dah nak berhenti.. I was like.. are u serius bij??

Sangat petty kan…

Pastu aku letak je hamper tu kat tepi tu… bukan aku hadap pun…

Serius weh, aku rasa kelakar gila company ni… geleng kepala je la..

Tapi pastu ada budak lain ambikkan hamper tu utk aku… ni ada je hamper ni kat tepi meja aku ni.. biar je la kat sini… x hingin pun aku nak ambik… duh~~