Such is life

Salam,

as usual, and as mentioned numerous times before, i often write in this blog when i feel like i need to vent out, let out some feelings... frustrations, anxiety, excitement etc..

so the same thing this time around..

since the last update was in April, and i have been on hiatus in May and June, so it is understandable that there have been many events that have taken place in my life. However, I aint got time and the mood to talk about all of them, only selected few

prior to blurting them out here, i wrote them on my diary, just so i would know how to structure them in writing. LOLz.. organized much?

so here are the overview of the things i wish to go through in this blog post

1. Work
- Feelings at work
     - Relationship with colleagues
- Resigning (again!!)
     - pros & cons before resigning
- anxiety to start at a new place
     - small company 
- career progression & future
- Motivation & morale

2. Study
- Final exams
     - Lack of preparation
     - accident on the way back to KL
- Desire to do PHD (relate to future career)

3. Family
- New house budget
- Wife's pregnancy
- Budget vs expenses
     - side income
     - new car to do Grab

4. Social
- Non-existent
- Azhan's acceptance issue
- Missing Qayyum's wedding

Obviously there are many things on my mind, so without wasting any time i will get to each one of them

1. Work

Truthfully, when I am writing this, I feel extremely unmotivated to work. I hate to be in this mood.
i have to ask myself, what is the reason i am feeling this way?
so i answer, its probably because of my relationship with my colleagues at site.. (they are all younger than me)
i dont hate them, and i believe they dont hate me too. we just dont click.
we dont operate in the same frequency.
sometimes i feel i just cant be bothered to try to tune into their frequency so we could click better..
maybe because i am getting old, i just cant be bothered to try to do that.. i'd rather just sit on my desk and go on facebook/instagram than to talk & socialize with them.. #oldbitchsyndrome

I believe this is the main reason i am disliking work right now, because i am not happy with the people.. on the technicality, work is as usual, and quite manageable & rather a boring subject to talk about here

Moving on..

I have resigned from my current company JMPEC.
Since i was assigned to go to site here in Paka, being away from my family, I have already resented the whole arrangement.

But i understand that i was hired as a site engineer and it is the nature of work for me to go to site.. I cant really argue or complain so much
I dont have any issues with site work since thats what i have been doing since 2013.
My issues is that the site is in effing Terengganu, where the rest day is on Fridays, which proved to be troublesome to me in so many levels..

My wife works on Fridays
I have classes on Saturdays & Sundays (which means I have to take unpaid leave to attend my weekend classes)
with all these difficulties & challenges of having to work at Paka, I did bring it up to my boss and requested that I only be sent to projects nearby KL/Selangor. He essentially had agreed to my request but asked that i remained until he could find a replacement for me.. alas, he didnt keep his words ( which is another reason why I feel strongly about leaving the company) and I knew that I shouldnt rely on other people to change my luck so i started applying for other jobs.

and indeed it was a rezeki from God that I got a job offer from another company quite immediately after i started looking.
Its a consultancy firm in Puchong and I was offered a job as an M&E consultant engineer, which is an office based job but will also require traveling for meetings and site verification works etc..

Prior to sending my resign letter, i did a pros vs cons table comparing my current job to the new one and based on that, i decided to jump ship.. again..

i know its not good to keep changing companies, but i know that its the right decision as i have done my due diligence of comparing between the two..
so regardless of what the future holds, I know that at the time that i made the decision, it was a calculated one and based on careful considerations on many aspects of my life

Having said this, i am still unable to shake off this feeling of worry and anxiety with regards to starting at a new company.
with it being a smaller company, and also there is this worry that i will get bored with office work, then i will become demotivated, then in return will affect my morale to work altogether..
its a constant worry, this feeling of not wanting to work, this feeling of wanting to just laze around at home yadayada..

i need to keep reminding myself about the importance of working, and pray that my motivation will stay intact..
regardless of the company and the profession, i still need to do this.. insyallah God will rid me off of this feeling of laziness..i can only pray..

there have been times i wonder, if i enjoy my work then the motivation & morale will stay lifted.. but now i am starting to realize that that might not be the case.. enjoying the work and staying discipline about work are probably 2 unrelated things, and it is an on-going thing, a constant battle and it needs to be recharged periodically, much like our iman..

it goes up and down, but to ensure that it stays up, we need to be with people & in an environment that will lift it up.. hence being able to recognize what lifts it up from what brings it down is also crucial..
that is a whole another topic on that..

ok moving on..

I just finished my final exam from 28/6/2018 - 1/7/2018.
I didnt do very well because i only managed to answer 50% of the question confidently.
I did answer all of the questions but only half of them with confidence.

So i think i will probably pass the 2 subjects, but not with excellence.. just satisfactory, I guess..
I did some preparation prior to sitting for the papers, but considering with me working at site (8am - 7pm everyday) you can imagine that there is not much studying can be done..
it is a difficult situation that i have been put into and i am glad that i managed to complete the tests even with all the challenges that i was facing.

to add to that, i was actually in a road accident while i was on my way back to KL, the day before my exam.

I finished work at 5pm on the 27th, and i made my way straight to KL with the intention of reaching home around 9pm so i can actually do some studying for my paper the next day.
unfortunately, i had an accident where my car hit the road curb, in the heavy rain, and my car got stucked.. to make things worse, as i exited my car and closed the car door, it automatically locked leaving me outside dumbfounded and ready to give up..

locked outside in the rain after hitting the road curb, i really wanted to cry..
but alhamdulillah, there were many motorcyclist stopped and helped me.
using screw driver, the peeled off the black thingy next to the driver's side window, and using steel wire, the managed to unlock my car from the outside.
after that, even helped lifted and pushed my car so i could get out from the curb.

i was and am so grateful that they helped me.. had it not been for them, i wouldve stucked here in Paka and missed my paper on the 28th and most probably failed the subject..
#faithinhumanityrestored

to continue on the topic of furthering studies, I know that it will only get harder from here on out..
and my journey to PHD is still so far.. but we all know, Rome was not built in a day..

so with that, i hope and pray that my dream of furthering my studies and obtaining a doctoral degree will materialize one day, insyallah..
i believe after obtaining my PHD, my future will be brighter, and i can leave engineering world and become a lecturer instead.. well, thats still too far in the future, its better for me to focus at the task at hand, which is getting my Masters degree first.. #fingerscrossed

3. Family

on the topic of family, i cant help but to talk about our new house Jalilmas which is expected to complete its construction early next year.
and just like the Pulai Jaya House, I have prepared a budget for moving into the new house and the total amount of RM35k seems quite impossible to attain now.. which worries me too.. but i dont want to stress about it too much.. slowly but surely, we will get it done.. it doesnt have to be all at once, we can always complete the renovation by stages..
so below is the screenshot of the budget that i have prepared for the new house..

In addition to the new house, as my wife is currently pregnant with our 2nd child, so i need to prepare for the delivery of the 2nd baby as well..

we plan to go to Government hospital, probably in Selangor, that is the budget that we have for now..
although i honestly think that the expertise of Doctors in Government hospital is undeniable, and also they are better equipped.. The minus side is the level of comfort is considerably lower than that of private hospital..
but we need to be realistic and practical with our planning & expenses so I think all is good and under control for now..

speaking of expenses, starting April of this year I have started to keep track of all my spendings, as well as my wife.. We have an excel file stored in Google drive that we both can access, and we will record our spendings in there.. there are different categories like Food, transportation, petrol, miscellaneous and the credit card spendings..

the file also allows us to have a better outlook of the cash flow in and out, and planned expenses in the future, taking into account the cost for car maintenance, my study tuition fees, cost for baby delivery etc.. so at the end of each month we can expect how much money left in our account, and to bring forward to the next month, until end of the year, so whatever plan we have, including to go on vacation, we can plan based on this budget that we have..

i think its pretty cool to have this kind of tracking, and hopefully that it will be an on-going thing for as long as required..

and to add on the topic of expenses, right now i feel like there's a strong need for me to be looking for a side income, and one way that i can think of right now is to drive for Grab part time..

and to do that i might have to get a new car since my persona is from 2011 and Grab requirement is only allowing cars from 2011 onwards..

i am still on the fence with the decision of getting a new car, maybe after i have started at the new company i can have a better overview if driving Grab part time is actually something i can do or not..
so ill leave that as KIV for now and to be revisited later in Sept or October.. see how it goes..

4. Social

The last topic for todays post is about my social life, which seems to be non-existent since i started working at Paka..

i dont have time to play volleyball, no time to go hang out with my friends (because I would rather spend the little time I have in KL with my family instead)
but insya-allah it will change once i change company, i can only hope #fingerscrossed

a few days ago, Azhan txt me on whatsapp and asked me the weirdest thing, and we talked about self-love and self acceptance..

i am not sure if i should disclose our conversation here, but from the little interaction that i had on that day, it made me to reflect on myself too, because we both sort of have had similar life experience and having him shared what he went through, i could definitely relate to his stories and it made me realize how important it is to always be grateful with Allah's blessings..
so that by itself is a blessing and Alhamdulillah for that..

lastly, i want to say that i am very sad that i would be unable to attend Qayyum's wedding reception on 7/7/2018 because i have to work on that day.
like i said, my social life is non-existent now..
right now the plant PGB GPP6 is having turn around in July and taking leaves is just impossible, not when its not because of something urgent or unavoidable..
furthermore, I have taken 9 days of unpaid leave to go for classes and exams before, so i think its only fair that i work for the whole of July and focus on the shutdown.. Besides, its only for this month, and by August I will be leaving the company already..

so that is all that i have to share for today, until the next rambling and rantings..
Later~~

Kesedihan... Bertabahlah..

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Harini selasa

Aku kat kerteh.. kena station sini sampai bulan 8, maybe sampai bulan 9..

Aku sedih.. kena tinggalkan anak bini

Sekarang dalam kepala mmg asyik teringat kat anak bujang kecik aku ahnaf ukail

siang tadi masa nak keluar rumah, dan tertoleh kat bas kuning ahnaf, aku hampir2 menitiskan air mata..

Hati rasa x senang.. rasa mcm nak berhenti keje je sekarang sbb kena berjauhan dari family mcm ni..

Mcm rasa baik aku bawa grab uber je.. atleast aku boleh balik rumah setiap hari boleh jumpa anak bini..

To be honest mmg aku ada fikir mcm tu pun skrg ni..

Tapi bawak grab bukan lah jawapan nya..

Aku masih xtau apa jawapannya..

Ada masa bila aku kat luar dan melihat bagaimana hidup orang lain lagi susah dari hidup aku, aku rasa aku mmg patut bersyukur.. bersyukur sbb masih ada pekerjaan yg halal dan boleh tahan baik mcm skrg..

Aku sangat sedih skrg sbb sangat rindukan my family

Aku hanya boleh balik setiap 2 minggu dan tu pun waktu aku ada kelas..

Aku tulis kat sini sbb aku tgh cuba untuk menenangkan hati dan perasaan aku skrg..

Situasi skrg ni buat aku sgt tak happy..

Aku suka keje aku tapi aku x suka bila kena berjauhan mcm skrg ni..

Sebelum ni site dekat kat port klang, walaupun aku kena gerak awal kol 7am dan balik sampai rumah kol 9pm, aku tak kisah sebab aku masih balik rumah.. tp bila kena dok site jauh2 mcm skrg aku rasa mcm aku x boleh nak handle..

Aku mmg akan start cari keje lain.. keje yg aku x perlu pergi site..

Tapi nnt aku akan x suka pulak dgn kerja tu, mcm sebelum ni aku keje dekat IQL tu aku x perlu pergi site dan aku pun x happy bila keje mcm tu..

Aku rasa mcm berbelah bagi sangat sekarang ni..

Aku dah mmg since start keje da biasa pergi site.. kalau dulu masa bujang aku x kisah pun..

Atau pun masa da kawin tp belum ada anak, perasaan tu x seteruk mcm skrg ni..

Atau masa ada anak tp anak bini duduk jauh rasa x mcm skrg.. 

Tp bila da dok sama dgn anak bini selama 9 bulan yg lepas, dan skrg kena pergi site dan berjauhan buat aku rasa sangat tak boleh nak handle..

Ada sebahagian kecil dalam diri aku yg cakap, mungkin aku sepatutnya tak boleh terlalu attached dengan keluarga aku.. utk rasionalnya, kerana semua benda dalam dunia ni adalah sementara..

But I just cant, I cant accept this argument..

This is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life..

Seriusly skrg raa mcm nak menangis..

Bila tgk video dan dgr suara anak kecik aku yg my wife shared thru whatsapp perasaan rindu dan sedih tu jadi berkali2 ganda..

Aku tau bersedih mcm ni x kan menyelesaikan apa2..

Aku patut cari jalan penyelesaian..

What options do I have?

1.       Cari keje lain?

2.       Bawa grab?

3.       Bertabah dan jangan terlalu fikirkan?

Semua options yg ada tu aku x suka..

Kalau option1, cari keje lain, aku nak cari keje mcm mana? Aku nak jadi cikgu tp takda peluang..

Jadi cikgu mrsm pun xda peluang, jadi cikgu sekolah biasa pun xda peluang.. No opening!

Dan kalau ada pun gaji nye mesti separuh dari sekarang ni..

Untuk jadi lecere kena ada masters degree, atau PHD, hence the decision to sambung belajar..

Nak keje jadi engineer tp x nak pergi site? Nnt jadi mcm masa keje dekat IQL pulak..

Kalau ada pun nnt mungkin kerja bukan permanent, iaitu kerja kontrek.. IQL dulu pun kontrek jugak..

Dan kat sana pun sbb kondisi kerja dia sangat x best, jadi aku ambik keputusan utk berhenti dan bawa grab je.. 

Best scenario is, aku dapat keje baru dan keje baru tu ada the followings

1.       Gaji sama atau lebih dari skrg

2.       Permanent position

3.       Keje pergi site tp dalam area KL je. Kalau pergi outstation pun x lama sampai 4-5 bulan

4.       Dapat boss yg best dan boleh tolak ansur dan tolong bila kita taktau

Aku rasa tu je kriteria keje yg aku perlukan..

Tp pada zaman skrg ni mmg susah la nak dpt exactly mcm yg kita nak tu..

Tp kita kena la cari kan.. kalau x cari mana nak dapat..

So kisah nye kena la update resume dan mula mencari stat!!

Option2 which is bawa grab

Aku da cuba da bulan januari tahun ni..

Dah lah xda cuti, kalau kau cuti kau xda income.. ni yg jadi time wan aku meninggal tempoh hari..kalau keje biasa ada compassionate leave, tp sbb bawa grab, ko cuti ko yg xda duit..

Dan xda kwsp.. xda pay slip..

Keje long hours.. bawak kereta dalam jam yg sangat memenatkan..

Dan sometimes kau dapat passengers yg negro la Nepal la bangla la #racist.. and some of them stink..

Tak berbaloi jugak sbb bila kau tolak cost utk petrol n maintenance, utk waktu kerja kau yg sampai 10-12 jam sehari selama 6 hari seminggu kau hanya boleh dpt dalam 3.5k-4k saja..

And being on the road for all those hours, it’s a risk sbb ko boleh eksiden dan mati.. or worse, kau cacat xleh keje langsung..

Sbb tu la bila aku terfikir nak buat grab aku mmg akan fikir berkali2 sbb x berbaloi dgn risiko nyer..

Option 3 is bertabah dgn situasi skrg sampai dpt keje lain?

Aku rasa nak taknak aku terpaksa la pilih option 3, sbb ni yg paling baik buat masa ni..

Walaupun hati ni meruntun dgn situasi skrg, terpaksa berjauhan dgn family,

Rasa bersalah dgn wife sbb biarkan dia seorang utk jaga anak especially time dia tgh pregnant skrg..

Boleh x kalau aku bring this up to my boss, and ask to only be sent to site yg jauh2 dari KL bila my wife habis pregnant?

Aku rasa kalau aku nak bring this up to him, I should be prepared for the backfires..

kemungkinan2 yg boleh terjadi..

Mungkin dia akan suruh aku berhenti keje?

Aku ingat lagi masa interview dia ada tanya sbb masa tu dia plan nak anta aku pergi gebeng dan aku cakap ok.. aku sendiri yg agree utk terima keje ni, sbb masa tu aku dah x tahan dgn pekerjaan bawa grab..

Ntah la buat masa ni aku kena la bertabah je dulu..

Dan financially I cant afford to lose this job..

Sbb tu la aku cakap ni je pilihan terbaik yg aku ada.. walaupun sangat sedih dan meruntun jiwa..

Dgn tulis kat sini je aku dpt luahkan perasaan sedih ni..

Mungkin ada sesetengah orang yg suka bila berada dalam situasi aku, sbb seolah2 hidup bujang.. x yah susah2 jaga anak.. xda bini nak kawal pergerakan atau buat apa2.. but not me..

Aku sikit pun x rasa happy skrg..

Bila aku tulis kat sini, aku imagine maybe dalam masa 10 tahun nnt, time anak aku dah besar dan boleh faham sikit dunia dan di abaca apa yg aku tulis, apa agaknya yg dia fikir..

Will he be mad at me for leaving him and his mum for months?

Will he be able to understand that its not my desire..

Daddy buat semua ni sbb terpaksa bukan saja2..

Maybe aku patut tido je skrg ni..

Maybe benda ni hanya akan rasa sangat susah pada awal2 saja..

Maybe bila da bermingu2 nnt perasaan sedih tu akan berkurang..

Atau mungkin jugak tak?

Okla, sampai sini saja, aku pon da ngantuk esok kena bangun awal pulak..

Later~~

Life Updates aka membebel

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Because I do not have any job to do at the office, I want to post something on this blog today.

I have a few things to talk and share about. Let’s have a go at them one by one

1.       Jalilmas House

I just can’t wait for the construction of the house to be completed. I will be able to save a lot of money as I do not need to rent here in KL.

I am very excited now because my brother’s house Puchongmas had just been completed and the tenants can already collect their keys, provided there is no outstanding payment (late payment charges) pending to be cleared.

My bro said they had to pay rm1000 for the late charges. I do not know the details.

Maybe its similar to my case during cube60 back in 2015, we were charged RM3k++ but after arguments and whatnot, we only had to pay RM60+

The delay was because of CNY and issues with the notification and letters postage yadayada..

Anyhow, as soon as they got the keys to their house, I want to go visit and go swimming there.. huhu..

Eventhough that my house Jalilmas does not have any pool, I am still very excited to be living in my own home.

Yes I have a house already, but having a house in KL feels different from having a house in JB.. hehe..

My wife is excited as she wants to decorate the house with wainscoting panels and other things. I plan to go visit Ikea and draw some inspiration on house decorations when its time to do that.

For now we just gotta hold on and save money for the renovation process soon.

2.       Repair Cube60 House

Last weekend I went to our house at Pulai with my Father In Law to go fix the curtain railing which had fallen off. This was the 3^rd time it was fixed.

The first 2 times the railing fell off, maybe because there was not enough bracket holding the heavy curtain.. also because the wall plugs installed were not long/deep enough to hold the rail/curtain.

So we went to install longer wall plugs the other and hopefully this time around it will stay intact.

We also bought additional brackets to install on the railings but we had bought the wrong type, hence we were unable to install them.

At first I wanted to drill new holes and I did try but for some reasons the new holes just could not be drilled deep enough for the long wallplugs.

My father in law said its ok to use the existing holes and he put in additional screws on the side of the holes to hold the bracket from falling.

From the looks of it, it seemed okay but we can only wish for so much.. so far, no complains..

I was told by our tenant that there was a crack at the gate hinge and that will require some welding and re-painting of the gate.

My FIL also had a look and he said that he has a friend who can do the welding.. I suppose they will do the repair tomorrow. I hope that it will go smoothly.. huhu..

Last but not least, there is an issue with the switchboard, I suspect there is a short-circuit at the output of one of the breakers on Level 1. Syah (my tenant) said when the breaker is turned on, the entire switchboard of Level 1 will trip.

This suggests there is a shortcircuit but I am not sure how to confirm.

My FIL said he will bring an electrician to go check.. again, I hope it will be fine..

3.       Maxis Home Fiber

Last weekend Jup told me that the internet connection at gelang patah, the house I used to rent together with Jufri, had been suspended.

So apparently the account had an overdue payment of 4 months, hence the suspension.

I was never informed.

I just knew when Jup told me.

So I went to Maxis center danga bay to clear the payment (RM645.45), which I paid using credit card.

I wanted to terminate but being a nice person (perasan) I knew that that would bring inconvenience to Jup who is still living there w Shahrol.

If I had terminated the account, they would have to apply for re-connection and that would take 1-2 weeks time, and also would be subject to port availability.

So instead, I chose to help them and asked for the transfer of ownership of the account.

But alas, Jup needs to be present for the transfer to happen.

The next day, we went to maxis center paradigm mall and applied for the transfer of ownership.

I called Maxis just now, the transfer had already been completed. As of now, there is only 1 account of maxis home fiber under my name, for the house at Sri Damansara which I also plan to terminate.

Actually I did ask to terminate that account as well when I was at paradigm mall on the same day, but the person said I couldn’t because they were in the process of downgrading my account from 30mbs to 10mbs.

The day before I had called maxis and asked if I could terminate due to the connectivity issues at SD that is inconsistent. They said I could downgrade to 10mbs and instead of paying rm189/month for the 30mbs, the fees for 10mbs is only rm119.. and I said ok.. why did I??

That’s why the process was still on the way and I couldn’t terminate the darn account.

And for terminating the account before the contract ends, I will be penalized rm500,

but I think its probably for the best, considering that I rarely use the internet at my house.

I am already using umobile unlimited data plan, having a home fiber connection feels redundant and I get to save rm119/month and I think that’s better.

4.       My FIL loan me Rm2000

I was speechless when he suddenly gave me the money.

Earlier I said I wanted to go to post office to withdraw my asb money, which I wanted to use to pay for the maxis penalty rm500 and credit card.

Maybe he didn’t want me to have to go to aeon bukit indah (about 30 mins drive from Skudai) just to withdraw the money, he went to an ATM machine while we were on our way to paradigm mall from my house at Pulai (he was driving), withdrew the money and gave it to me.

I was terkejut beruk!!

I still haven’t paid him yet.. I have not got the chance to go to the bank to take out my asb money yet, but I will.. He also said its ok, no rushing to pay him back.. lolz.. anak menantu mengambil kesempatan..

I was surprised but I could not possibly refused him when he handed me the money.. and as I was really shocked I just accepted the money then..

bila la nak pegi bank ni huhu... maybe lunch hour esok la..

5.       I have many errands to run

I feel like I want to take a day off just to settle some issues and run some errands.

Go to the bank and deposit my coins

Go to the bank and withdraw my asb money

Go to the workshop and repair my motorbike (its been 2 months cannot start, I suspect the carburetor problem)

Go to service my car and fixed the alignment

Go wash my car

Go buy stationaries for class – Gunting, ubat pensel tekan, pemadam, correction tape

6.       I want to buy a new motorcycle

Previously the bike that I bought 2^nd hand from Azwi never gave me any headache. It was working well but since the cannot start problem had recurred 3 times, I feel so frustrated.

So right now I want to sell that bike (honda wave WQR) and buy a new bike..

Should I wait until April though?

Now I only have 1 month pay slip (Feb 2018) and I am not sure if I would be eligible to apply for loans..

But I suppose for small motorbike I can get a loan from the shop itself and not from the bank..

But before I can buy a new bike, I need to repair my bike first.. last time it cost rm30 to fix the cannot start problem.. I wonder how much it will be now..

Maybe tomorrow I will take MC leave and go fix my motorbike and settle my errands as well.

7.       Project at Port Klang

So from after CNY until last week Friday I had to report to site at Port Klang, which is 1 hour drive from my house at Sri Damansara, but could be up to 2 hours if the traffic was bad.

The project had been completed and there was no major issues.

But of course la my boss Mr Teo had a few things to comments this and that..

At first I was a bit sad and upset with him commenting and him pushing.. then I simply didn’t give a phuck..

Lantak la kau, asalkan kerja siap.. lolz..

I didn’t even pay attention to him rambling but I suppose the next time around I will do a better job and hopefully there will be less issues..

I still don’t know which site I will have to go next.. maybe to Kuantan, maybe to Terengganu.. I asked Mr Teo and he said he will advise later.. for now I will just stay at the office melagha doing nothing.. lolz.

So I guess that is all for now.. till next time.. later~~